In Partibus

1 
The ’buses run to Battersea,
  The ’buses run to Bow
The ’buses run to Westbourne Grove
  And Notting Hill also;
But I am sick of London town
  From Shepherd’s Bush to Bow.
2 
I see the smut upon my cuff
  And feel him on my nose;
I cannot leave my window wide
  When gentle zephyr blows,
Because he brings disgusting things
  And drops ’em on my “clo’es”.
3 
The sky, a greasy soup-tureen,
  Shuts down atop my brow.
Yes, I have sighed for London town 
  And I have got it now:
And half of it is fog and filth,
  And half is fog and row.
4 
And when I take my nightly prowl
  ’Tis passing good to meet
The pious Briton lugging home
  His wife and daughter sweet,
Through four packed miles of seething vice
  Thrust out upon the street.
5 
Earth holds no horror like to this
  In any land displayed,
From Suez unto Sandy Hook,
  From Calais to Port Said;
And ’twas to hide their heathendom
  The beastly fog was made.
6 
I cannot tell when dawn is near,
  Or when the day is done, 
Because I always see the gas
  And never see the sun,
And now, methinks, I do not care
  A cuss for either one.
7 
But stay, there was an orange, or
  An aged egg its yolk;
It might have been a Pears’ balloon
  Or Barnum’s latest joke:
I took it for the sun and wept
  To watch it through the smoke.
8 
It’s Oh to see the morn ablaze
  Above the mango-tope,
When homeward through the dewy cane
  The little jackals lope,
And half Bengal heaves into view,
  New-washed—with sunlight soap.
9 
It’s Oh for one deep whisky peg
  When Christmas winds are blowing,
When all the men you ever knew,
  And all you’ve ceased from knowing,
Are “entered for the Tournament,
  And everything that’s going.”
10 
But I consort with long-haired things
  In velvet collar-rolls,
Who talk about the Aims of Art,
  And “theories” and “goals,”
And moo and coo with women-folk
  About their blessed souls.
11 
But that they call “psychology”
  Is lack of liver pill,
And all that blights their tender souls
  Is eating till they’re ill,
And their chief way of winning goals
  Consists of sitting still.
12 
It’s Oh to meet an Army man,
  Set up, and trimmed and taut,
Who does not spout hashed libraries
  Or think the next man’s thought
And walks as though he owned himself,
  And hogs his bristles short.
13 
Hear now, a voice across the seas
  To kin beyond my ken,
If ye have ever filled an hour
  With stories from my pen,
For pity’s sake send some one here
  To bring me news of men!
14 
The ’buses run to Islington,
  To Highgate and Soho,
To Hammersmith and Kew therewith
  And Camberwell also,
But I can only murmur “Bus!”
  From Shepherd’s Bush to Bow.

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As the Bell Clinks

1 
As I left the Halls at Lumley, rose the vision of a comely
Maid last season worshipped dumbly, watched with fervour from afar;
And I wondered idly, blindly, if the maid would greet me kindly.
That was all—the rest was settled by the clinking tonga-bar.
Yea, my life and hers were coupled by the tonga coupling-bar. 
2 
For my misty meditation, at the second changing-station,
Suffered sudden dislocation, fled before the tuneless jar
Of a Wagner obbligato, scherzo, doublehand staccato,
Played on either pony’s saddle by the clacking tonga-bar—
Played with human speech, I fancied, by the jigging, jolting bar. 
3 
“She was sweet,” thought I, “last season, but ’twere surely wild unreason
Such tiny hope to freeze on as was offered by my Star,
When she whispered, something sadly: ‘I—we feel your going badly!’”
“And you let the chance escape you?” rapped the rattling tonga-bar.
“What a chance and what an idiot!” clicked the vicious tonga-bar. 
4 
Heart of man—oh, heart of putty! Had I gone by Kakahutti,
On the old Hill-road and rutty, I had ’scaped that fatal car.
But his fortune each must bide by, so I watched the milestones slide by,
To “You call on Her to-morrow!”—fugue with cymbals by the bar —
“You must call on Her to-morrow!”—post-horn gallop by the bar. 
5 
Yet a further stage my goal on—we were whirling down to Solon,
With a double lurch and roll on, best foot foremost, ganz und gar“She was very sweet,” I hinted. “If a kiss had been imprinted?”“’Would ha’ saved a world of trouble!” clashed the busy tonga-bar.
“’Been accepted or rejected!” banged and clanged the tonga-bar. 
6 
Then a notion wild and daring, ’spite the income tax’s paring,
And a hasty thought of sharing—less than many incomes are,
Made me put a question private, you can guess what I would drive at.
“You must work the sum to prove it,” clanked the careless tonga-bar.
“Simple Rule of Two will prove it,” lilted back the tonga-bar. 
7 
It was under Khyraghaut I muse. “Suppose the maid be haughty—
(There are lovers rich—and forty)—wait some wealthy Avatar?
Answer monitor untiring, ’twixt the ponies twain perspiring!”
“Faint heart never won fair lady,” creaked the straining tonga-bar.
“Can I tell you ere you ask Her?” pounded slow the tonga-bar. 
8 
Last, the Tara Devi turning showed the lights of Simla burning,
Lit my little lazy yearning to a fiercer flame by far.
As below the Mall we jingled, through my very heart it tingled—
Did the iterated order of the threshing tonga-bar—
“Try your luck—you can’t do better!” twanged the loosened tonga-bar.


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Army Headquarters

Old is the song that I sing -
Old as my unpaid bills -
Old as the chicken that *khitmutgars bring 
Men at dak-bungalows - old as the Hills.

1
Ahasuerus Jenkins of the "Operatic Own,"
Was dowered with a tenor voice of super-Santley tone.
His views on equitation were, perhaps, a trifle queer.
He had no seat worth mentioning, but oh! he had an ear. 
2
He clubbed his wretched company a dozen times a day;
He used to quit his charger in a parabolic way;
His method of saluting was the joy of all beholders,
But Ahasuerus Jenkins had a head upon his shoulders. 
3
He took two months at Simla when the year was at the spring,
And underneath the deodars eternally did sing.
He warbled like a **bul-bul but particularly at
Cornelia Agrippina, who was musical and fat. 
4
She controlled a humble husband, who, in turn, controlled a Dept.
Where Cornelia Agrippina's human singing-birds were kept
From April to October on a plump retaining-fee,
Supplied, of course, per mensem, by the Indian Treasury. 
5
Cornelia used to sing with him, and Jenkins used to play;
He praised unblushingly her notes, for he was false as they;
So when the winds of April turned the budding roses brown,
Cornelia told her husband: - "Tom, you mustn't send him down." 
6
They haled him from his regiment, which didn't much regret him;
They found for him an office-stool, and on that stool they set him
To play with maps and catalogues three idle hours a day,
And draw his plump retaining-fee - which means his double pay. 
7
Now, ever after dinner, when the coffee-cups are brought,
Ahasuerus waileth o'er the grand pianoforte;
And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his fame hath waxen great,
And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a Power in the State! 
 

*Khitmutgars - Waiters  
**bul-bul - Nightingale

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The American Rebellion

                          BEFORE  

       'TWAS NOT while England's sword unsheathed
  Put half a world to flight,
       Nor while their new-built cities breathed
  Secure behind her might;
       Not while she poured from Pole to Line
  Treasure and ships and men—
       These worshippers at Freedoms shrine
  They did not quit her then!

       Not till their foes were driven forth
  By England o'er the main—
       Not till the Frenchman from the North
  Had gone with shattered Spain;
       Not till the clean-swept oceans showed
  No hostile flag unrolled,
       Did they remember what they owed
  To Freedom—and were bold!


                          AFTER  

THE SNOW lies thick on Valley Forge,
  The ice on the Delaware,   
But the poor dead soldiers of King George
  They neither know nor care.

Not though the earliest primrose break
  On the sunny side of the lane,
And scuffling rookeries awake
  Their England's spring again.

They will not stir when the drifts are gone,
  Or the ice melts out of the bay:
And the men that served with Washington
  Lie all as still as they.

They will not stir though the mayflower blows
  In the moist dark woods of pine,
And every rock-strewn pasture shows
  Mullein and columbine.

Each for his land, in a fair fight,
  Encountered, strove, and died,
And the kindly earth that knows no spite 
  Covers them side by side.

She is too busy to think of war;
  She has all the world to make gay;
And, behold, the yearly flowers are
  Where they were in our fathers' day!

Golden-rod by the pasture-wall 
  When the columbine is dead,
And sumach leaves that turn, in fall,
  Bright as the blood they shed.

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I Keep Six Honest Serving Men

I keep six honest serving-men
   (They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When 
   And How and Where and Who.

I send them over land and sea,
   I send them east and west;
But after they have worked for me,
   I give them all a rest. 

I let them rest from nine till five,
    For I am busy then,
As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,
   For they are hungry men.

But different folk have different views; 
  I know a person small—
She keeps ten million serving-men,
  Who get no rest at all! 

She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,
   From the second she opens her eyes—
One million Hows, two million Wheres,
  And seven million Whys! 

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Naaman’s Song

"Go wash thyself in Jordan–go, wash thee and be clean!"
Nay, not for any Prophet will I plunge a toe therein!
For the banks of curious Jordan are parcelled into sites,
Commanded and embellished and patrolled by Israelites.

There rise her timeless capitals of Empires daily born,
Whose plinths are laid at midnight, and whose streets are packed at morn;
And here come hired youths and maids that feign to love or sin
In tones like rusty razor-blades to tunes like smitten tin.

And here be merry murtherings, and steeds with fiery hooves;
And furious hordes with guns and swords, and clamberings over rooves;
And horrid tumblings down from Heaven, and flights with wheels and wings;
And always one weak virgin who is chased through all these things.

And here is mock of faith and truth, for children to behold; 
And every door of ancient dirt reopened to the old;
With every word that taints the speech, and show that weakens thought;
And Israel watcheth over each, and–doth not watch for nought...

But Pharphar–but Abana–which Hermon launcheth down–
They perish fighting desert-sands beyond Damascus-town.
But yet their pulse is of the snows–their strength is from on high–
And, if they cannot cure my woes, a leper will I die!

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A Tree Song

1 
Of all the trees that grow so fair,
   Old England to adorn,
Greater are none beneath the Sun,
   Than Oak, and Ash, and Thorn.
Sing Oak, and Ash, and Thorn, good sirs,
   (All of a Midsummer morn!)
Surely we sing no little thing,
   In Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
2
Oak of the Clay lived many a day,
   Or ever AEneas began.
Ash of the Loam was a lady at home,
   When Brut was an outlaw man.
Thorn of the Down saw New Troy Town
   (From which was London born);
Witness hereby the ancientry
    Of Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
3
Yew that is old in churchyard-mould,
   He breedeth a mighty bow.
Alder for shoes do wise men choose,
   And beech for cups also.
But when ye have killed, and your bowl is spilled,
   And your shoes are clean outworn,
Back ye must speed for all that ye need,
   To Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
4
Ellum she hateth mankind, and waiteth
   Till every gust be laid,
To drop a limb on the head of him
   That anyway trusts her shade:
But whether a lad be sober or sad,
   Or mellow with ale from the horn,
He will take no wrong when he lieth along
   'Neath Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
5
Oh, do not tell the Priest our plight,
   Or he would call it a sin;
But - we have been out in the woods all night,
   A-conjuring Summer in!
And we bring you news by word of mouth-
   Good news for cattle and corn-
Now is the Sun come up from the South,
   With Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!
6
Sing Oak, and Ash, and Thorn, good sirs
   (All of a Midsummer morn!)
England shall bide till Judgment Tide,
   By Oak, and Ash, and Thorn!

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A Translation

1 
There are whose study is of smells,
And to attentive schools rehearse
How something mixed with something else 
Makes something worse. 
2 
Some cultivate in broths impure
The clients of our body - these, 
Increasing without Venus, cure,
Or cause, disease. 
3 
Others the heated wheel extol, 
And all its offspring, whose concern 
Is how to make it farthest roll
And fastest turn. 
4 
Me, much incurious if the hour
Present, or to be paid for, brings
Me to Brundusium by the power
Of wheels or wings; 
5 
Me, in whose breast no flame hath burned 
Life-long, save that by Pindar lit,
Such lore leaves cold. I am not turned
Aside to it 
6 
More than when, sunk in thought profound
Of what the unaltering Gods require,
My steward (friend but slave) brings round
Logs for my fire.

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A Tragedy of Teeth

Lucretia Sempavee Riddens McWhone 
Was loveliest of the Daughters of the Hills, 
And therefore made an idol of by Those
Who should have been at school, but drew instead
Rupees two hundred, ten, and some odd pice 
For serving an ungrateful Government.
And L.S.R.McW. enjoyed
Herself exceedingly, and made to fly 
The pay of Angus, who was fat and red, 
And, at some early period  of his life,
Had been her husband. Angus didn't care,
And L.S.R.McW. drove on.

    *        *        *        *         *        *        *
 	
She had a Skeleton. Who hasn't? Two
In fact. The one she kept beneath her stays
And dressed with clothes from Europe. T'other one 
She generally hid inside her mouth
Because it wasn't hers, except by right 
Of purchase-gold paid down for pearls and gold. 
Two were the molars of a Communist
Young lady, pistolled on the barricades;
The canines came from some grim Plevna 
And one bicuspid from the Schipka pass;
The rest from Javanese rhinoceri;
But all were lovely and had cost much gold,
And had a lot of little pegs and plates
And springs and wires. And she loved them much.
And no–one knew of it or only guessed;
And thus our naughty little world goes round. 

    *        *        *        *        *        *        *

He was Macacus Rhesus, Sterndale says—
I call him Bandar and at half past six
One summer morning through the open door
He ambled, searching for an early meal,
His Simian chota hazri L.S.R.
I really can't repeat her name again)
Was sleeping. Angus was at Bogglybad,
And Something Else was in a tooth glass.—This
Macacus Rhesus bolted with and chewed
It on a pine tree half way down the khud, 
And spat It out, and put It in his pouch
To please his babes with. Then he let It drop 
At Mrs. Duvvlegh's bedroom door–sill. Thus 
Our naughty, naughty little world goes round. 
Then L.S.R. McW. awoke,
And slapped her ayah, called the Khitmutgar, 
The mehter, bhist, sais, massalchi, cook, 
And from the safe side of her bedroom door 
Addressed those menials in a wobbly voice
That thrilled their dusky marrows. Then she wept,
And then she lifted up that voice again
Da capo, piano, prestissimo, 
Fortissimo, ad lib. till ten o'clock;
Then she darwaza banded up the house, 
And wept in the verandah. Mrs. D.
Woke also; found It at her bedroom door;
And since she wore an article herself
Of plates and springs and pegs and pearls and gold;
And since she was a rival, hating much
Lucretia Sempavee Riddens; and since
She understood that memsahib was bemar.
She guessed, and wrote a pretty little chit 
On pink and perfumed paper; sent her sais 
And went to call on ten dear female friends 
With Something in a satchel on her arm, 
And looked extremely pretty. So did not 
Lucretia when the sais produced the chit,
But mumbled naughty epithets like 'Wretch', 
'Thing', 'Vixen', 'Hussy', 'Beast', et cetera. 
Yet wrote a gushing little answer back
And sat and 'grizzled' in her dressing-gown. 

    *        *        *        *        *        *        *

At half-past four she got It, smashed and spoilt, 
The Communistic molars upside down
And marks of other molars on the plates,
(Macacus Rhesus had a lovely set)
And all the pretty little springs and wires 
Like tempest–tossed umbrella ribs. 'Tis thus
Our naughty, naughty little world goes round. 

    *        *        *        *        *        *        *

They laughed at Mrs. L.S.R. McWhone; 
She sent It to Calcutta for a week,
And then she left the Station for the Plains.
And this is how the Gods afflict our lives
Sometimes, somehow, for nothing ....Which is hard.

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A Three-Part Song

I’m just in love with all these three,
The Weald and the Marsh and the Down countree.
Nor I don’t know which I love the most,
The Weald or the Marsh or the white Chalk coast! 

I’ve buried my heart in a ferny hill,
Twix’ a liddle low shaw an’ a great high gill.
Oh hop-bine yaller an’ wood-smoke blue,
I reckon you’ll keep her middling true! 

I’ve loosed my mind for to out and run
On a Marsh that was old when Kings begun.
Oh Romney Level and Brenzett reeds,
I reckon you know what my mind needs! 

I’ve given my soul to the Southdown grass,
And sheep-bells tinkled where you pass.
Oh Firle an’ Ditchling an’ sails at sea,
I reckon you keep my soul for me!

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