The Pious Sub’s Creed

I do believe in Afghan wars 
  (As far away as Peshin is)
I love to stick them in because 
  Deception most refreshin' is.
And thirteen hundred copies mean, 
  Just thirteen hundred lies you see,
And other papers think we've been
  No end informed and wise you see.

I do believe in 'frontier news'  
  At least cum grano salis,
As giving scope to Wheeler's views
  Who my eternal pal is
And  anything conducive to
  A 'scrap' with 'frontier gup'  in it 
Would make us most abusive to
  All papers less well up in it.

I do believe the C.M.G.
  The type of all perfection 
And other papers mostly be
  In need of much correction
I do believe the native press
  A sink of all that vicious is,
And each 'babu 'in English dress 
  A 'darn side' too officious is.

I do believe the British Press 
  Are censors of morality 
Collectively, but none the less
  Imply their deep rascality.
I do believe commandments ten
  To keep one should endeavour 
At least, all unofficial men
  But viceroys—hardly ever. 

I do believe in Earthquake shakes 
  And tickets compliment'ry
The one at least a column makes
  The other free-seat entry.
If any foolish Briton du'st
  Loose captives from captivity
I do believe each journal must
  Incontinently give it he.

I do believe in tiger skins
  From fourteen feet to twenty
At least when for my many sins 
  Mail items aren't in plenty.
I do believe in 'monster' leaps 
  By 'liliputian' horses
And dig out 'flying shots' in heaps
  From 'most authentic sources'

I do believe the scissors are
  The world's most sure foundation
And pasting paragraphs by far 
  The finest occupation,
I do believe that naught too low
  Or high for daily grist is—
I think the Bible's true—I know
  The Indian Civil List is.