Trial by Judge

‘As recently performed with
qualified success at Simla.’

SCENE: A rugged mountain pass near B———e.

Enter P—T R—M N—N (R) singing and dancing.


I am convinced my merits rare,
And powers of legal disputation,
Indubitably levers were
To this exalted situation.
He marked me with His eagle eye,
When, lowly pleading, oft I pleaded;
And, e’en ten weary years gone by
I knew I did not toil unheeded.
In Cap. and Code, both Civ. and Crim.
I have no rival. Hushiar
Beyond all pleaders, I to Him
Appeared a legal Avatar:

For I am an Aryans judge! Hurrah!
I am an Aryan judge!
(pp con molt. exp.) And it’s not half bad sport, if you are the right sort,
To be an Aryan judge!

Pas Legislatif. Crosses R to L and comes down.
Enter Full B—NCH P—B also singing and dancing (R),
with attar, pan and garlands.

CHORUS: B—NCH (fortissimo).

He’s an affable Aryan judge—
A star and a light to our leading—
Though the vulgar may snigger and nudge
We will pass by their comments unheeding,
For who in his senses would grudge
A seat on the B—nch to this judge?
Indigenous, affable, eloquent, erudite, excellent, Aryan judge.

Pas Legislatif. The P—T skipping over garlands.
Exit (R) wreathed with smiles and roses.

B—NCH sit down (C) 9 and sing
pianissimo looking warily at the B———e lights


We know we aren’t exactly strong
Hush! Hush! Hush!
In weighty matters of the law.
Hist! Hist! Hist!
We think Sir C——s extremely wrong
Hush! Hush! Hush!
We watch his latest step with awe.
Hist! Hist! Hist!
We know we aren’t exactly strong
In weighty matters of the law
If We are incompetent, which We of course deny,
Why not new importation s of Our nationality ?
If We aren’t incompetent, Oh why insult the trus-
ty band of ticca j-dges with a course of action thus ?

Da Capo Pianissimo. Practicable window opens in B——e
R.U.E. discloses Sir C—s with P—b G—tte in his hand,
which he waves in time to the music.

Rash men of Law and bold!
Restrain yourselves! Be still!
Yet shall the truth be told—
It was the Principill.

B—NCH seriatim, in state of nervous collapse

JUSTICE A— Bai Jove!
JUSTICE B— Yes! yes! yes!
JUSTICE C— Indeed!
(ALL) The Principill!
The Principill!The Principill!
SIR C The only moral Principill!
B— That gruesome fraud the Principill!
SIR C That truly perfect Principill!
B— That most mysterious Principill!
SIR C The perfectly unshirkable Principill!
B— The utterly unworkable Principill!
SIR C Perfectly lawful Principill!
B— Thoroughly awful Principill!
ENSEMBLE Principill!


BASS RECITATIVE:  SIR C (looking out of the window)
I am the proud owner, trainer and head jockey of a hobby-horse which
it would be wholly absurd to expect you either to appreciate or understand;
For the simple reason that you cannot bring yourselves to look at it
in a sufficicntly abstract and Liberal light.
Therefore, being a ‘strong’ man (at least, that’s what I pride myself
upon) I have literally taken the law into my own land,
And at the cost of making you worthy gentlemen a trifle indignant,
I have played my political trump and set a monstrous injustice right.
I had not the faintest intention of inquiring into the merits of the
various munsiffs pleaders, and court thistle-whippers of every kind,
(Because I believe that a pleader of fifteen years’ standing is fully
equal, under certain circumstances, to a Bengal Civilian of
thirty, plus an expensive English education),
But with a Law list in one hand, and a pencil in the other, and closing
my eyes, in order that (like Cupid and Justice) I might be blind
I brought down the pencil sharply and at random on the page;
thus largely simplifying an arduous process of provincial legislation.
In this particular instance my pencil struck the name of the
(doubtless very able and respectable) P—t R—m N—n;
And I have, in consequence, put him over your heads. Possibly
to your extreme disgust, which I may tell you doesn’t affect me at all.
Because, as soon as I find a fitting opportunity, I shall most
certainly go through this identical performance again;
Since to the truly enlightened Liberal mind, Principles are
everything, and the interest of mere Provinces and men (especially
English gentlemen who can be trusted not to make themselves unpleasant)
extremely small.


Shuts down window, while B—nch faint in the order of their seniority;
and are removed one by one by the P—t. (R)


Hear our unanimous cry.
Mulk-i-Lat Sahib ke Jai
Strengthen your soul with the thought
You have our warmest support.
How shall your Honour take harm
Backed by the Akhbar-i-Aam?
Friend of the great Koh-i-Noor,
Widely perused in L—e?


In short every journal of native persuasion
That boasts a two hundred per week circulation,
That’s bought by a bunnia, or read by a reis,
That’s lithoed in gullies, or sold for a pice,
That’s worked by a schoolboy on thirty rupees,
That serves as a wrap for mussalas and ghis,
Shall, nemine contradicente, proclaim
Your Honour’s just dealing and wisdom and fame,
Shall hold you on high to the World’s admiration :—
And this is the voice of the Indian Nation.

(fff fff)

SIR C——s bowing his acknowledgments from window, and
accompanying himself on a mandolin:

Yes! yes! ‘Tis the voice of the Indian Nation.


By measures such as these I much
Delight the teeming land;
And closer bind my fellow-kind
In amicable band.
And in a few more decades, to
United India we,
With one consent, our Government
Resign and homeward flee.
Oh! This is Government by Love,
And Truth, and bound to come,
And I anticipate from this
The new Millenium.

CHORUS: still more rapturously

Yes this is government by love
And Right, and bound to come.
Be this our cry:—’Sir C——s our bhai
And the Millenium

Blue red and green fire, ; showers of roses
and tumultuous cheering.