The Pious Sub's Creed

I do believe in Afghan wars
(As far away as Peshin is)
I love to stick them in because
Deception most refreshin' is.
And thirteen hundred copies mean,
Just thirteen hundred lies you see,
And other papers think we've been
No end informed and wise you see.

I do believe in 'frontier news'
At least cum grano salis,
As giving scope to Wheeler's views
Who my eternal pal is
And anything conducive to
A 'scrap' with 'frontier gup' in it
Would make us most abusive to
All papers less well up in it.

I do believe the C.M.G.
The type of all perfection
And other papers mostly be
In need of much correction
I do believe the native press
A sink of all that vicious is,
And each 'babu 'in English dress
A 'darn side' too officious is.

I do believe the British Press
Are censors of morality
Collectively, but none the less
Imply their deep rascality.
I do believe commandments ten
To keep one should endeavour
At least, all unofficial men
But viceroys—hardly ever.

I do believe in Earthquake shakes
And tickets compliment'ry
The one at least a column makes
The other free-seat entry.
If any foolish Briton du'st
Loose captives from captivity
I do believe each journal must
Incontinently give it he.

I do believe in tiger skins
From fourteen feet to twenty
At least when for my many sins
Mail items aren't in plenty.
I do believe in 'monster' leaps
By 'liliputian' horses
And dig out 'flying shots' in heaps
From 'most authentic sources'

I do believe the scissors are
The world's most sure foundation
And pasting paragraphs by far
The finest occupation,
I do believe that naught too low
Or high for daily grist is—
I think the Bible's true—I know
The Indian Civil List is.